I’m not one to use the word “pride” so often, since I tend to find a sinister touch to its meaning.
However, when it concerns the word associated with the movement, the world with which I strongly form, I’ll use it as often as ever.
I recently noticed my fellow LGBTQ+ people doing a daily post on their social medias for pride month. (Here’s the link to do your own: https://www.tumblr.com/tagged/30_days_of_pride_challenge)
I’m a little late to the show, so I’ll catch up the past 12 days in this blog.
A dozen-in-one post, if you will.
1. Share your name, age, and how you identify.
Emily Manx, 23, and pansexual.
2. How old were you when you first knew you were LGBTQ+?
Damn… Well, honestly I was quite young when I realized what I thought about love. I remember being 6 or so when I said “I believe I can fall in love with anyone no matter who are what they are,” and I meant it. I always meant it, even though I had never heard the term “pansexual.” I didn’t consider myself gay, because at the time I didn’t know such a statement meant I was gay. I also thought that if I hadn’t been with a female, than that meant I wasn’t gay. I now know that’s not the case. I didn’t have a problem with being gay at all, actually. I didn’t see it as a bad thing, but when people relentlessly and meanly called me a dyke, I denied that I was a lesbian. Because I wasn’t, and I’m not. I didn’t deny it because I was afraid to be considered gay, but simply because I knew that wasn’t the truth.
By the time I reached college, I discovered that “pansexual” was the correct term for me. By 20 or so, I found out it was a legitimate sexuality. It was the first time I considered myself actually gay, and felt totally fine accepting that as the truth. I know for sure, and by now certainly have developed feelings and attraction to many people, no matter their race, sexual orientation, age (not including minors, of course!), or gender (or lack thereof).
3. Are you out? How did you come out? Was it a positive or negative experience?
Oh yeah, I’m out. I’d been out to my friends in passing throughout my life, whenever the topic bounced up. Since I’ve been with a lot of men, most people didn’t think to ask. They just assumed I was hetero. I’m not sure if my parents ever knew, I feel as though they knew on some level. I wasn’t afraid to share it with them, I just didn’t care to. I was never a huge fan of my family, and spent years as a child fantasizing the moment I could free myself from them. My relationship with them diminished over my college years, and now I have no contact with them at all. So who knows if they know, but I am certainly loudly out as fuck.
4. Who was your first real-life crush? If you’re comfortable, share what qualities they possessed that attracted you to them.
Hmm. I had a ton by the time I reached high school. I was very polyamorous for quite some time (I’m intentionally not now. I never really met the right sort of people to work out such a thing with, so it’s just not in the cards for me at present). I was loyal for sure when the relationship was monogamous. I’d never cheat, I’d never act on polyamorous thoughts/desires if the person I was with wasn’t comfortable with it.
However, when I was single (and boy was I single a lot in high school), I had multiple, raging crushes at the same time. Hell, when I was single last year I was the same way, although my crushes are not as crazed and raging as they once were.
So… I could give you a list? And as for sharing their qualities, well, they were all pretty vastly different. But I must point out: I wasn’t attracted to them because of their looks, first and foremost. I was attracted to the words they used and didn’t use, their sense of style and why the liked it, what drove them as a human being, and so on. So again, a long list. Tall, skinny, pot-smoking punk boys, and hair-tussled, pale, serious gamer nerds, madly punk-emo chicks, biker babes, hot-tempered, tough as fuck country women, husky funny boys, and athletic, fiery women…. So there was a lot.
5. Who was your first celebrity crush?
I didn’t crush on the actor themselves, for I’m not really one to be attracted to someone based on their physical looks (that connection comes a couple steps later for me). BUT! I did crush major hard on actors and actresses because of certain characters they would play.
For instance, I fell madly and hard for Marty McFly from Back to the Future. Oowee. That was my first crush, for sure. #Perfection. I really admired Michael J. Fox after watching a few of his movies, and developed a liking to him as an actor, but it was the character who truly moved me.
6. Who was the first person you came out to?
Oh man. Fuck I don’t know. It was just kind of… Out there, I suppose. I honestly don’t remember, if it was any one person.
7. Share something about your family or upbringing.
Fucking awful. About both. But it certainly could have been worse, and I’m certainly grateful for the many amazing things I learned and developed along the way, whether intentional or not. My moments of happiness, joy, and solace were nearly entirely dependent on me and the things I did when alone and away from the rest of the fucking mess.
8. Who is your greatest supporter?
Then my significant other and best friend (two separate people). Regarding the significant other, such great support is a first for me in the department. The others have been… Not so great in such a way.
I have many people who support me, but I’d say those right there give the greatest.
9. What ‘tribe’ do you identify with?
I’m honestly not familiar with the tribes of the LGBTQ community… Still not entirely sure what they are, but they sound interesting.
10. What is the most influential LGBTQ+ event you’ve attended?
Drag balls/shows, man. Anything to do with drag queens and kings and divas fucking fills me up with so much fucking happiness and comfort in who I am. I’ve felt that way about drag since I was sooo young!
11. When was the first time you fell in love? Who was it with?
I was 15. He was so good. He had a golden heart and a bright soul and he wasn’t afraid to like me. It was good, but ended tragically due to his parents, not because of us. It fucked me up so badly I had to make myself forget a lot about it. I became numb to it, had a mental snap and was so fucked up and different for a few years.
12. Name your favorite fictional LGBTQ+ character.
Off the top of my head, Dr. Franknfurter from RHPS for sure. And omg Lito Rodriguez from Sense8 (WHY THE FUCK WOULD THEY CANCEL SUCH MAGNIFICENT BEAUTY???!?!?!?)
Shit I’m forgetting someone, I know I am.
Garnet from Steven Universe, fucking YES.
And I suppose she’s not obviously LGBTQ, but Brienne of Tarth fills me with everything good about myself.
And while I’m on the GoT route, mad props for Oberyn Martell. Yas, son, yas.
That 12 days now. I’m all caught up.