Being Honest, Knowing Truth

I gave myself an evening to recenter, which is something I do a couple times every week, but something deeper persisted with this one.

Earlier, I sold my guitar. My first guitar, from high school, which promoted my musical background. I tried not to think about it, but sometimes we attach so much to little objects. I suppose it seemed as though I gave away my teenage dreams of making music with that guitar, but past that I realized it’s not the case by far.

Of course not. In fact, I’ve been delving back into music again more than I have in years. I simply didn’t need that guitar, and the money I got from it would only promote my livelihood and everything I love to do even more.

It’s not that I can’t continue writing music when I sold that guitar, it just means I’m not much of a guitarist.

And honestly, I’m not.

There’s a stark difference between giving up dreams and admitting a fact. Today was simply a small admission. That’s all.

I found a book today. It’s by Neil Gaiman, a great writer and Amanda Palmer’s husband.

By now everyone should know how much Palmer has inspired me, and how Neil Gaiman has slowly crept his works into my life as well.

His book, The View from the Cheap Seats, is so far marvelous. I didn’t realize how much I connected with him as a writer. Of course, I should have. All writers bleed from the same vein.

I’ve spent half of tonight listening to Amanda Palmer’s old albums, and now Counting Crows wails harmonically.

Counting Crows played as a soundtrack to my earliest works. They communicate directly from the soul and resonate intimately with my own.

Neil Gaiman’s rapture in truth mixes pleasantly with Adam Duritz’s honest pain.

I feel grounded and excelled. And hey, I wrote a blog too. It’s been a while.

Best yet, this night does not end here. Soon I will toss myself back into the world. I am prepared. I am eager, but with a quiet stillness.

It’s hard to recall how much I depended on the negativity before. As though all I could see was how horrible everything was.

That didn’t change. Nothing stopped being awful.

But I changed how I would react to it.

And chose to see the goodness in addition to the bad. It is there. Who are we kidding?

Here I realized, it’s all just a part of life, and how cool is it that I get to experience that?

Good or bad or both, thanks for it all.

Be honest with yourself, what do you see?

Let me remind you, before you answer that, honesty and severity are in no way equal.

There is good, too.




One thought on “Being Honest, Knowing Truth

  1. Not knowing the significance to the references to Counting Crows and “View From the Cheap Seats”… I felt like your demeanor and vision have brightened, which really makes me relieved. I have been so worried about you, but fearful that anything said (and said in any which way, whether helpful or forewarning) would be met with harsh resistance. Twenty-three is a hard age. You’re suppose to be done with college (to a certain point at least your undie-grad) as you are – but you are still at college… I was too but not graduated (5-year-plan). This kinda places one in a limbo or real life vs. campus life… Others around you are marrying, moving away, or working 24/7… each situations means: not available a.k.a. alone LOL. If not handled well (this would be me) you find yourself deeper in a bottle, restless with no direction, bored, promiscious, unmotivated, and keen to any ‘idea’ that presents itself. I had no idea what to do with myself and began the first steps to ‘maybe you aren’t going to be a rock star’. I ended up marrying someone who was in my exact situation also, but 3 years older. We told ourselves that we were tired of the dating scene, dance clubs, and hearing “I need to find myself – it’s not u it’s me.” We thought we wanted to ‘go to the house.’ We or maybe just I, got to this acceptance, because I think we stopped dreaming. We never asked ourselves what do we really want out of life or what to be? We certainly did not openly have The Holy Spirit in our lives… we didn’t even know that we should’ve had. And without Her wisdom, we never saw the future that was racing towards us. We never gave ourselves a chance (we did not even have that much). I am so thrilled that you do have Her and you have a blessing not a ‘chance’. – Just a little rambling that wandered into my brain. “There she goes”

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