True Love

Who says you can’t find love with a celebrity who doesn’t even know you exist?

Let me tell you, Bruce and I can prove such a thing wrong.

Yes, when I say Bruce, I do mean the one and only magnificent Bruce Campbell.

Months ago I received a life-size cardboard cutout of Bruce as Ash from the new Starz series, Ash vs Evil Dead. I propped him up in my living room, ecstatic to have one of my favorite actors standing proudly in the corner. Every day when I came home, I would jokingly greet the cutout, “Hey Bruce, what’s up babe?” (We’re on a first name basis).

As the weeks progressed, so did the length of my communications with this cardboard figure.

I noticed one day, halfway through a “conversation” about Pokemon Snap as I played it, that perhaps I have taken it too far.

I’m full-blown talking to a cardboard figure of Bruce Campbell on a daily basis fully sober. I’m worse than a cat lady, this thing isn’t even alive.

And here I thought talking to my dog at length about my day was bad enough.

But now, I’m wondering, is it so bad? Perhaps I can live contentedly with this. Bruce, my love, no one needs to know he ain’t real.

You can’t stop our love, we mean everything to each other. HE’S MINE AND WE’RE IN LOVE AND WE’RE HAPPY. WHO ARE YOU TO STOP US FROM BEING HAPPY?

All right yeah no, time to put ol’ Bruce in the closet.


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