Reasons to See X-Men Apocalypse

For once I’ll be nice and warn you that there are spoilers here.

Tough. Read it anyway.

Reason #1: Magneto absolutely obliterating Auschwitz. Maybe it’s just because I’m a Jew, but the minute he crushed that camp to dust all I could think was “sploosh.”

Reason #2: They got Nightcrawler right. Although they didn’t go extensively into his background, what they did state was spot-on. His powers were accurate to the comics, except the whole “sulfer and brimstone” smell when he teleports, but I’ve come to accept that they’ll never include that in the movies. And he looked bad ass.

But everyone else they fucked up nine ways from Sunday riding a rocket. I could write a lengthy post about just how much I hated all the character changes, the origin stories shredded, and the story line fuck-ups, but that might take too many days to write. And I have other things to do.

Reason #3: Wolverine’s little escapade. Ah yes, a character whose temper, snark, and loner-like tendencies I related to in high school going bonkers and ripping throats out left and right. Such bliss. I appreciate the movies’ ability to stick pretty damn close to Wolvie’s character, even if they toss out the fact that he’s supposed to be supes short.

Reason #4: Quicksilver.

Ugh.

My God.

Save me from my fantasies.

No wait, don’t, they mean too much to me.

Quicksilver stole the show and ran the damn thing. His character was the only redeeming quality that softened the blow of the devastating deviations from the original comics. From the fucked up origins and character changes (THEY RUINED MY MYSTIQUE AGAIN, AND WHAT WAS THAT SHIT WITH STORM? AND WHERE WAS ICEMAN??? ((inserted that last one for an outraged friend))) to repeating their mistakes with the Phoenix saga, Quicksilver flashed his beautiful self in to save the day. I was one crappy Angel scene away from setting the theater ablaze, then this happened:

Quicksilver1

I mean, look at this motherfucker:

quicksilver2

Woof.

From the leather and Rush outfit to the fantastic comic relief to his unabashed sense of “fuck it,” Quicksilver’s scenes were downright erotic.

I may have fallen in love.

And his hair. Again, woof.

For every snarky, pissed, beer-drinking, fist-fighting, smoking, joking, punk bitch out there, we need bros like this.

Make it so and replace the fuckboys please.

Reason #5: James McAvoy’s precious acting and Scottish accent. I don’t need to elaborate.

And there y’all have it. Those are the only reasons this X-Men fan has to watch the movie.

There, instead of spending another 1000 words trashing the movie, I found something nice to say.

Give me a  cookie.

And then give me Quicksilver. In the middle of Auschwitz while Magneto destroys it. With James McAvoy saying Scottish things. And Wolverine standing in the corner smoking a cigar covered in the blood of my enemies.

Yes, my enemies, otherwise how do you expect me to get in the mood?

 

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