All Attraction, No Commitment Part 1

Let me be Seinfeld for a moment and go on a little rant about how you can take reservations all day, but you have to hold onto them.

Let’s apply that sentiment to when men actively, consistently, and continuously make the decision to go after a chick, get her attention, but then can’t commit to the decision beyond the chase once her attention is captured.

I want to say men are like dogs chasing cars who don’t know what to do when the car stops and they catch up to it, but I don’t like considering men dogs. Because they’re not. They’re fully capable human beings with no real excuse for that kind of behavior.

Before I get too far into this, I just want to point out that no, I’m not bitter.

I AIN’T EVEN MAD.

Seriously though, I’m not. I actually have enjoyed studying the behavior patterns of men like this for the past several years. Note, when you’re a budding psychologist and seem to attract only one type of guy, take advantage of that fact and study the shit out of those guys.

I have my own study set up for non-committal, indecisive men now because the subjects are seemingly endless.

Bitchin, is what I say to that. Make lemonade out of lemons, or in this case a full blown human behavior analysis of men with the decision abilities of a squirrel crossing the road.

All the men who have invested their time and energy in flirting with me, trying to get my attention, then eventually actually getting said attention all have a couple common themes. Basically, they all have a thread or two that connects them to being so similar outside of their flirtatious behavior pattern.

They all had or have someone else in their lives.

With the first one, he was extremely hung up on one of his ex-girlfriends. Eventually after the end of our little… Whatever it was, he went back to her. And then it failed. Again.

Quick side note, when one or both of you loses interest at all in the relationship, it’s over. Don’t milk it. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Once interest is lost, and especially once that interest is placed in someone else, GTFO. To both of you. Just GTFO. It’s not a relationship anymore. This is not an opinion, this is a fact. Welcome to psychology.

Anyway, the second bro to behave like this actually did sort of kind of commit for a solid semester, but I also made sure the “chase” lasted throughout that semester. Then, lo and behold, he lost interest.

Now here’s the interesting thing with this one: there was no other past or current girl (current as in there was no one else involved when I entered the scene). However, there soon was another girl. His interest was lost, sexually at first, then it was a total loss. Although he only developed minor sexual interest in the other chick, that’s still perfectly enough to end the relationship.

And yet, I made the terrible decisions (yes, decisionssss) that the first guy made with his ex; I kept trying to make things work because I’m a sucker for devout commitment on my end.

But hey, even I stopped and realized that’s it, no comprendo, this ain’t happening anymore and I was the one with the balls to flush that old turd down the pipes.

I cannot state this enough: when one person loses interest, even a little bit, it is the peak of the steepest downhill slope of your relationship. It is ending. Move on.

And let me point out, no one is safe from this. Long-term commitment is a mentality, a state of mind. No amount of signed sheets of paper or church celebrations will protect you when your S.O. loses interest in you and the relationship. I’m sorry, I don’t make these rules, tis the way of the world.

I apologize for how tangential I am.

No I don’t, never mind. You know what you signed up for when you clicked on this blog.

The next guy apparently had this intense “love” for me for two years. He was a little less obvious with his chase, hiding his feelings at first, but after a while I figured out his attraction.

Then we got into a fight, stopped speaking to each other for a while, and this was because another chick entered the scene.

Of course.

Although he was vehement in stating just how much he was in love with me (a thought which now provokes a gag reaction), he couldn’t seem to tear himself from this new girl.

Who he hardly saw.

And he admitted on multiple occasions that he didn’t even know why he was with her.

I do.

I know why.

The relationship with new chick wasn’t scary, intimidating, or posed any possible difficulties. Being with and eventually leaving her would all be simple and easy. I’ll explain that more in a minute.

Point is, although he claimed he could not stand life without me in it, he could not continue the chase and would not leave the new girl he accumulated.

And the next bro already had a relationship.

Yeah, I know, my bad, what the fuck was I thinking, right?

I was thinking literally the same thing all of you fuckers thought when you met that someone who was still in a relationship. Don’t lie, don’t hide behind your keyboard, I see you, you fucking liars.

Who hasn’t accepted affection or entertained the thought of being with someone who’s currently in some kind of relationship, especially when they admit it’s not a good one?

We all do. Welcome to the human condition. Here’s your fucking badge, yes it’s made of dogshit.

So, the last guy was currently involved, but had certainly lost interest in a variety of shades.

By this point I was smart enough to ignore most of his advances… Until it became so blatantly, painfully obvious and no one could ignore it.

He wanted to get my attention. Well, consider it got. Well done. Here’s your badge.

And again, as with the others, as soon as the situation brushes with true reality, they panic, withdraw, and go for the comfortable, familiar, simple, and easy choice.

There’s the two common themes: another girl involved and in the end choosing the comfortable, easy choice. All these men were from different backgrounds, they all had different interests, different levels of success, different educations and intelligence, different personalities, and different mental disorders.

Although that was a common theme as well–mental disorders. Hmm. I’ll need to reassess and factor that in later.

Really though, it’s one common theme. The “other girl” is always connected to the comfortable, simple, easy choice. Whether she’s from his past, currently involved with him, or comes along in the future. She always represents the simpler choice.

Not to say that these girls are simple or easy, but the situation and relationship that they present is.

They’re easy to be with compared to someone like me (unafraid to speak my mind, to call you out on your bullshit, to call myself out, to take care of myself 100%, and so on), and even easier to leave if the situation really calls for it (I’m big on commitment if a real relationship is going to happen. I mean, if you lose interest, I’m out, but if not, I’m sticking around).

It’s a defense mechanism for these men to choose this over something that really excites them.

Not to sound like Forrest Gump, but my Ma always did say, “if you’re adhering to a certain behavior in one part of your life, you’re applying it to other parts of your life too even if you don’t realize it.”

In other words, if these men are choosing the easy route relationship-wise, even if it doesn’t make them very happy, then they’re doing it in other areas too.

Let’s look at these guys’ lives.

Broski #1: high school drop-out, never went to college, couldn’t get into the military because he refused to stop smoking pot.

Ok, so that one’s pretty obvious. I don’t need to further explain his situation. Everything he chose was comfortable, simple, and easy.

Broski #2: made it to college, still hasn’t graduated, struggled with depression but just wouldn’t get help for it no matter how bad it got or what anyone said, extremely intelligent but struggles with wanting to apply it to anything, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

Really, he is extremely capable of so much, but simply refuses to do anything with any of his skills and talents out of a sheer unwillingness to do so. He lost interest in me years ago but was too unmotivated to officially end  the relationship. He drowns in comfortable, simple, and easy.

Broski #3: this one flunked out of high school and college. Although he was met with multiple chances and opportunities to move out of his parents’ home, he always chickened out at the last minute and scrounged up some excuse to continue living at home. Again though, he was vastly intelligent, there was really no reason for him to flunk out of anything aside from the fact that he just didn’t give a shit. But again, instead of applying this intelligence to anything useful or to anything that would actually make him happy, he chooses whatever makes him the most money because, again, it’s comfortable, simple, and easy.

Broski #4: I want to state first and foremost that I respect the hell out of this guy, and although he outranks every single one of these other motherfuckers in a star-swirling glaze of rainbow, he is not exempt from choosing the comfortable, simple, and easy way in life. Even he’s admitted that.

I mean, at least this guy graduated high school, college, and made it out in the real world for quite some time, and he’s pretty damn successful, but let’s be honest.

I know I chose coming back to school because it was a helluva a lot less intimidating than moving out of state all by myself. Now, that was certainly not my only reason for sticking around, it was just the initial “perhaps I should look into what my local college has to offer two weeks before I move to New Orleans.” I ended up staying here and going for a second degree because I knew it would make me happier. That was the deal-maker there, whether or not I would be happy. But whether or not it would be easy or difficult is never what guides my overall decision-making.

It’s happy or bust.

Again, tangential, I know.

So, aside from that, we also know anyone who complains about the ever-dulling luster of their relationship that they don’t seem really invested in, but stays in said relationship because (word for word) it’s comfortable and easy… Well, I give him points for having the intelligence to admit that that’s exactly what’s going on. Quoteth Wolverine, “‘Nuff said.”

I guess my major qualm with him is that he’s fully, outrageously capable of so much, but settles for less.

That’s personally my problem with all of these guys, actually. So much promise, so little attempt.

But that’s how I feel about everyone.

The common theme with these men is that they seem like they want something more than comfortable, simple, and easy, but once it dips its big toe into their reality, it sends them hauling-ass back to their security blankies.

They are squirrels trying to cross the road. They coat their “reasoning” and convince themselves that they’re just trying to be good guys, and that they don’t want to hurt anyone. And they really believe this.

But you are tho. But you are.

In what universe is it OK to string along a couple different women, stifle your happiness for the sake of “comfort and easy,” and to fuck with others while you do it? I mean, if you want the easy way out and you’re not all that happy with it, don’t drag everyone else down with you. Make that decision on your own.

Why are all these men so afraid of being alone? Is it a self-loathing issue? To a degree, they all put themselves down.

Again, I promise, I’m not bitter. This is genuinely more interesting to me than heartbreaking. I’m fucking crazy intrigued right now. Like, I’m seriously asking these questions to myself and wanting answers to further my analysis and research here.

What is it about the human condition that propels us to want to choose the comfortable, easy way over what makes us happy? Juvenal is in an endless barrel-roll deep in the ground somewhere. As a race, we seem blind to the giant, blinking sign declaring “TRUE HAPPINESS” at the end of the slightly more difficult path.

And the paths aren’t even that difficult. If it makes you truly happy, you hardly notice that rusty razor blade lodged in your heel.

But perhaps I’m not the person who can accurately discuss what’s difficult and what isn’t. I’ve been in some real SHIT situations. Shituations? So, anything above homelessness, rape, abuse, miscarriage, poverty, hunger, and debilitating illness is a goddamned carnival. I don’t know. That’s something I should look into.

I guess for me, some of the worst living situations imaginable are what I’m comfortable and familiar with. That’s what’s simple and easy for me. Shitty relationships, shitty shelter (if shelter at all), little food, and all the while surrounded by shitty people. For me, the comfortable, familiar, simple, and easy choice is to the dregs… And no, I’m not just pulling that from an early Wavves song.

Thus, choosing the path to happiness is actually easier for me because of where I’m coming from.

Interesting. I just now made that realization.

That doesn’t excuse the fact that these guys are all being kinda shitty.

Now, this is where I’m bitter.

This is, as a human, where I am personally conflicted.

Future reference, don’t string me along for months at a time, fully making the conscious decision time and time again to pull me in, just to panic and drop me like a fucking rock.

Yes, I may be a “tough bitch” that can totally take care of myself, but that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be treated like a fucking human being.

Just because I’m not necessarily going to cry over you doesn’t mean I want to be treated like shit.

Get your shit together. All y’all. Fucking A.

I’m continuing this in my next blog. It’s a two-fer.

P. S.

I know I don’t represent the comfortable, familiar, simple, and easy way. I know that. Because I’m not. I chose that for myself. That was my decision, to not be the simple and easy choice.

“If you wanna guy so bad, just change the fact that you’re a difficult asshole.”

Nay nay, you are mistaken. I’m not complaining that I’m not getting picked by anyone, I know who I am and I strive for this.

I’m simply pointing out that some guys seem like they’re attracted to this difficult/asshole kind of person, to the point that I allow myself to be convinced by their advances, but in reality they’re not into me and it’s just complicated and shitty for everyone involved.

That’s all I’m saying here.

Also, all these men sought me out at first, not the other way around.

So it’s not like I know all this shit about these guys at first glance and pick them every time.

It just so happens we cross paths.

 

 

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