Mad Max: Furry Choad

Can you already tell by the title how I feel about the latest Mad Max film?

I know I’m a little late to the game, but when this movie hit theaters I put my time and muns into Jurassic World. Obviously that took priority over Mad Max.

And thank God it did.

I have an issue with literally every creative aspect of this movie, so let’s start at the beginning. I don’t mean starting with the original Mad Max movies, I mean the Furiosa comics series that were released after the newest film, but served as a prequel to the film’s story.

I read these comics before seeing the movie. And although they were hideously marred with stereotypical BS, I can’t solely attack that. Because damn, the movie was just as hideously marred, but we’ll get there in a moment.

Had I not read the comics, I would not have understood much as to what the fuck occurred during the movie. The comics have their shit points for sure, but I appreciate their ability to provide the characters and storyline with a little desperately-needed depth. Without these comics, I would have been as lost as my roommate for the first hour (he did not read the comics, so he had a lot of questions).

I’m not saying I absolutely need to know why exactly Furiosa is seeking redemption, but fuck come on give me a hint or general idea or something. Sure, I could leave it up to my imagination, but it also seems like super lazy fucking writing to just throw her little “I need redemption” bits into play without any fucking reason whatsoever.

Getting ahead of myself here, but fuck’s sake.

Furthermore, although not 100% necessary, the bit of backstory to the wives is actually really interesting and provides a welcome insight. Ok, so that’s just a personal opinion rather than a general observation, but hey, I enjoyed it. So fuck off.

Let’s dive into the shitty-shite that is the movie itself.

Scenery/stage/sets: where the fuck is your consistency? I honestly expected this movie to rely heavily on superb, brilliant special effects and kick-ass scenery and style. I was prepared to accept that the story, script, and acting may be subpar upon playing the movie, but I did not expect some season 1 Star Trek backdrop and kids’ 3D animation effects.

Ok, so that was offensive to the genius of early Star Trek sets. I take that back.

But I’m not ok with the inconsistent jumping from low-budget dinner theater stage sets to “have you heard of rendering?”

It’s like someone was trying way too hard to pull off Guillermo Del Toro’s creative style and failed miserably with every feeble attempt.

Which is sad, because I heard Del Toro was supes pumped to see the film and there’s been talk of his collaboration in future Mad Max spin-offs.

But I trust Del Toro. Fuck these other guys.

Miller… I’m calling you out.

Director George Miller is the original Mad Max series director. Mad Max and Road Warrior are pretty great. They at least have a fabulous cult following.

But you know what? He pulled off the campy-cult shit with these films back then. I think everyone somewhat, half-assed tried to pull off that campy-cult charm with Fury Road, but obviously didn’t know what the fuck they were doing.

In short, 75% of the movie appeared so obviously, painfully fake–and not in the way Miller and Del Toro have done it in the past. There’s a way to pull off the “obvious fake” of a set or scene while still purporting a beautiful, interesting style and invoking the air of believability (think Pan’s Labyrinth or Hellboy).

That being said, let’s move on to

Makeup/wardrobe:

What happened here?

The warlords looked like fucking BDSM muppets.

Nobody’s outfits made any sense.

Shit.

At least Thunderdome provided some fabulous post-apocalyptic fashions. I mean, who doesn’t dig Tina Turner’s chainmail get-up?

I do. I dig it hard.

I’m 90% certain that one guy wore a stretched out condom across his jaw for the entirety of the movie.

Lastly and leastly,

Storyline/characters:

All right, so what storyline?

What the fuck are we trying to accomplish here?

The movie keeps petering out like it’s ending, just to cold-start back up again for more babbling “plot.”

That’s right, it’s babble. Sheer. Fucking. Endless. Babble.

Much like this blog post.

Much like the majority of my blogs.

How many times can we flounder from one half-baked plot to the next?

COMMIT, WRITERS, COMMIT!

And what the fuck is going on with these characters?

Mad Max…

I honestly believe his total lack of character stems from the actor. Tom Hardy blew massive chunks all over this role. All I can say about this character is, “no.”

The wives… They’re OK. But there seemed to be quite a few tones of moody teenager throughout.

Y’all, these chicks were held captive as breeding wives for the BDSM muppet warlord who raped them relentlessly. But you know, acting like a pouty teenager who can’t go out with her boyfriend Friday night is totally the appropriate reaction to that situation.

And speaking of BDSM muppet warlord, why exactly was he such a dick to his city?

No, I get it, he’s a warlord, of course he’s a dick to his people.

But um, dehyrdrating and weakening them to the point that they’re dying like flies and totally useless for literally anything makes no sense.

He’s just killing off his peeps for the sake of it?

Like all of them? The whole city?

Well then, what the fuck is he going to be the warlord of in a couple weeks?

And he’s wasting water just dumping it out like that.

I don’t appreciate his character because he’s evil just for the sake of being evil. That’s shitty writing right there. He had no real agenda and no reason to be so highly revered by his army and “followers.”

But obviously he wasn’t even highly revered by his people, not even his army in the end.

The “heroes” all come back with muppet boy’s dead body plastered on the front of their car, and the whole city rejoices that he’s dead and his army was like, “welp, fuck it, they just killed the guy we’ve dedicated our entire lives to, but go ahead and let them in.”

This army was hardcore into this warlord. The entire movie proved that. But suddenly they don’t give a shit that these complete strangers (excluding Furiosa, who, mind you, they were so bent on killing by the warlord’s orders and considered her a traitor) killed their top-dog and brought his body back to them.

“Lol, that’s all right, hop right on in to our little house and do as you fucking please. I mean, there’s only five of you, we could easily murder you all in a second for killing our leader, but whateves come on in and take over our city. What do we care?”

WHAT.

And the other two warlords were just as fucking ridiculous wardrobe and character-wise. Well, what little character development we were allowed to see out of them anyway. At least they didn’t take up much screen time with their bullshit.

Furiosa is the only character that somewhat held my intrigue for most of the movie, but by the time she fell on her knees sobbing over the loss of her birth home…

It was absolute horseshit.

Really? What? Ms. “Everything Hurts Out Here” is crying in the sand because she’s surprised that the fucking greenland doesn’t exist anymore?

REALLY? She was surprised by that? She held onto that unfeasible hope for all of her life? FURI-FUCKING-OSA?

I’m sorry, was it not obvious that the entire theme of every Mad Max is that everything dies, nothing lasts, and everything is horrible and hopeless?

Right?

So, this chick who loves offering reality checks every minute that she can genuinely believed that some fantasy land from over twenty years ago still existed? And she has a breakdown when she discovers that it doesn’t?

But, oh, hey, by the next scene she’s totally chill about it and right back to her “tis the way of the world” fucking attitude.

Well good goddamn.

I mean shit, if we’re going to have a total mental breakdown over this ordeal, let’s at least make it last longer than a couple hours.

But whatever. Screaming and crying in the sand for a hot minute is all we needed I guess.

From that point on I had no shits to give about her character. Suddenly we were all dancey about hope and happiness and I was suddenly ill.

What the fuck ever.

I mean, I like my fair share of happy endings and all, but that wasn’t the theme of the fucking movie. Mad Max is not some feel-good, “let’s go home” bedtime story.

It would be like The Walking Dead characters discovering a safe haven… And it stays safe and no one ever fucks with them again and they reinstate total humanity.

That’s not the theme. That’s not what we came here for.

But you know what is the theme of Mad Max: Fury Road? Well, it sure isn’t consistency. Quite the opposite. In literally every aspect.

Fuuuuuuck this movie and the trope horse it rode in on.

 

 

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