Realization: Graduation

Hey guys, it just hit me. Well, it didn’t hit me just this moment, it actually hit me a few days ago when initiating the graduation process in the registrar’s office. It felt more like a breathless crash into my heart and lungs to be more accurate. Now it’s really sinking in…

I’m graduating college in less than five months.

Oh my good gracious God in heaven below, it is actually happening.

To let you in on a little secret, I genuinely believed that I would flunk out of school within the first couple weeks. I even refused to unpack in my dorm for a month before receiving my first few test grades. I was easily making A’s. I was passing classes and doing well in the honors program. I eventually got invited to join a prestigious academic fraternity for placing in the top 20% of my entire class by sophomore year. I kept anticipating that I would finally find that one semester in which I would fail. My “certainties” were about to carry into this last semester of my four years being here. Then, facing my school’s registrar, handing in my application, I finally realized that I am going to make it.

These four years of pain, depression, turmoil, and anguish are nearly over. I am still having a difficult time with stating certainly that I will graduate. I’m always waiting for my school to pull something, it does every semester. But the point is I’m finally aware of and accepting that I’m not as dumb as I’ve lead myself to believe.

My primary reasons for believing I would flunk out of college stemmed from the fact that neither of my parents graduated. One went to the same school twice and didn’t graduate both times. The other had only half a semester with one class left before simply dropping out. My mother is one of the most intelligent people I have ever known, but she was lacking some specific common sense back then.

My other reason is that I dropped out of high school. I was home schooled, had a whole semester and a half left to go. I was terrifyingly behind on math, having to retake pre-algebra 3 times and hardly finished it. My English and composition was superb, however, having already published a few works on local and state levels. I was decent in everything else with a knack for animal science, but terrible in anything having to do with any kind of technology. My history grades were abysmal, but in college I realized I retained much more than my high school test grades let on.

Of course, I sought out my mom’s answer key to most tests and cheated like crazy, memorizing basic answers as best as I could before taking the test. She somehow knew I was doing that, and still somehow knew I wouldn’t flunk out of college.

I dropped out after spending months studying for the ACT’s and getting a high score. Once I gained full ride to three different colleges, I told my mother I was done. She wished I would have finished, but for once she actually let me go through with that decision with the promise that I would not give up and intentionally drop out of college. At the time I truly believed I would flunk out, so I took her up on that deal.

Now look at where I am. I am the highest grading student out of all my friends. I always rank the highest scoring student in each class, sometimes the second highest scoring student. Hell I’m even looking into graduate programs. It’s hard to believe I actually made it this far.

It looks like I’m going to graduate. Holy shit.


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