(Totally un-edited, I just had to write this out quickly and angrily)
I am absolutely ripped apart and almost in tears over what some “parents” put their children through for their own petty execuses.
I have been staying out of my fiance’s family problemsfor quite some time, but I am so close to finally saying something about all this sick mess. It’s been difficult to watch my fiance get cut down by his mother, who he’s defined as hardly being a parent for so long. Sadly, she’s one of those parents who believe in throwing money at their children to make up for the fact that they haven’t been a parent in any other way. The father had spent most of his time in the airforce, either overseas or training cadets on base all day. He would come home to cook, because she usually wouldn’t. She hardly ever cleaned up the house, so it ended up being the dad’s job for a little while, but he could hardly keep up with five kids (she wanted more, he said no) and full-time work.
However, the father couldn’t take of everything forever. He was called to duty in Djibouti, Africa. After that he had become a private pilot for a major company. Although he would be back for a few days, he would often be called away abruptly and for days or even a couple of weeks.
So, who did all the work?
My fiance. He told me how his siblings would even refer to him as “mother.” He was so sickened by how his other siblings would not clean up, help out, or even offer to simply assist in cooking dinner. Anytime he could wrangle them in, they would do nothing but disrespect him. All of them were allowed to behave this way, except for his youngest sister who took it upon herself to at least be kind to him.
Where was the mother? Well, she would be at home, turning a blind eye to most of it. According to my fiance and his father, she would hide away upstairs and read all day. She wouldn’t even clean her own room, and she still is like that.
Eventually she went back to school for a second degree. She was a teacher, so oftentimes she would work at her kids’ schools. You would think she would be close to her kids then, but the lack of actual parenting in this family is staggering.
Well, she believes she’s close to her children, but they either use her for the money she churns out or have no respect for her whatsoever.
Now, my fiance is in his final year of college. He told me he decided to stay close to home so he could continue helping to take care of his family, because he knew no one else would, and his mother would never enforce the other kids to help since she wouldn’t do it either.
He had confronted his mother about this issue when he was younger, but she didn’t do anything about it except show her guilt and shame. Then she went right back to what she was doing without missing a beat.
His mother filed for divorce on account she believed her husband was cheating on her. Most likely he was, and according to my fiance his dad had told him long ago that he was only sticking around so he could raise the kids as best as he could. The father was initially against the divorce, but eventually accepted it.
With three boys in college, one girl in high school, and the youngest starting junior high, the mother had noticed a positive, upbeat change in her husband. She decided to back out on the divorce, but she was met with the opposite. The husband had been convinced by a couple of his own children to go through with the divorce, because the kids could not stand the fighting between their parents and their mother’s frequent depressions and break downs because of them.
Only the youngest had no idea that her parents were indeed getting a divorce. She was hurt, we all comforted her, but she accepted it and rather healthily moved on, still loving both of her parents equally despite all she was learning about them.
The father would still be in his daughters’ lives, but the older one had been allowed by her mother to act without thought towards consequences. When he would try to discipline her, she would exaggerate his actions and expect her mother to make things easier for her (because the mother despised the father wholey by this point). She continues to play on her parents’ weaknesses, although her father refuses to acknowledge her antics. She is going to college next year; she is in for a rude awakening.
The saddest thing is that for so long we all believed that the father was a cruel and hateful man, only out for himself.
Although he hasn’t made the wisest decisions in the world, he has certainly been miles more of a parent than the mother could ever hope to be.
Throughout all of this, the youngest one has taken the role my fiance had once played before leaving for college. Although through the first couple of years, my fiance took frequent trips home and over breaks to help his mother out. He continued to love both of his parents, although at that point in time we were convinced his own depression was stemming from his relationship with his “terrible” father. A couple years of some pretty intense therapy and additional relationship counseling (because our relationship was taking a serious hit as well), we finally discovered the father was not the source. The older sister’s lies had come to light, and my fiance finally admitted everything his mother had done since he could remember. He was in tears for hours over finally letting out what he’s felt has been utter torment because of his mother’s insane actions.
For the past three years, we have been basically blowing off my own parents to have holidays with my fiance’s mother (sometimes father, but not for long). I could get in about a few hours on Christmas eve or the night before Thanksgiving day, but even then his mother would complain and sigh that we weren’t spending the whole time with her. She would often guilt my fiance into believing he was being selfish, or that I had somehow convinced him to hate her. Remember, at this point, I was on her side. (Also going to point out that we discussed with both families that we would alternate holidays with either set of parents every year, but that all family was invited everywhere. My parents more than welcomed my fiance’s family, but my family never once received any kind of invitation from them. Mind you, this whole time my parents had never complained, nor had I.)
I never once convinced him to stay away from her, I never led him to believe she was the cause of most of his depression and anxiety, I never told him it was me or her. I would never do that. I never even butted in to say a lot of things that needed and still need to be said. I have only shown my support and concern for my love, encouraging him to stand up for himself, yet encouraging to improve his relationship with his mother.
Well, this year my fiance has excitedly asked me to throw a big party for him and my family at our home. I made sure that he was ok with most likely skipping his own family’s Christmas to do this, or we could invite them here if they would accept. He told me it would be fine, because this year it was his father’s term to have his sisters for Christmas. His father has recently remarried, which has completely put the mother into such a depressive and passive-agressive state that her therapist has prescribed strong medication. I was further told by both my fiance and her that she would be going to California with her sister for Christmas. So no Christmas, except with the girls at their father’s.
Well, when my fiance told both his mother and his father he would not be attending Christmas, especially with his mother leaving, but would plan to visit them during our school’s winter break, the father understood and was not concerned.
The mother, however, lost her mind, and is still non-stop guilting my fiance into showing up before she leaves. She has told everyone else in the family, and has orchestrated some of the family members, including the older sister, into further guilting my fiance into dropping everything and showing up. It has been Hell over here.
There are so many more crazy things going on that I just cannot get into.
What has finally pushed me off the edge after watching all of this, is that the youngest one has been convinced and manipulated by the mother to believe that her brother no longer wants anything to do with her either. EVEN THOUGH WE SAID WE WOULD BE HAPPY TO VISIST HER SOON TO BRING HER CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. Still, she has been constantly worked on by the mother to be a part of this. It is ridiculous. I am livid.
I shouldn’t have to explain why my fiance and I are ready to blow our tops. After everything, this is the worst and final straw. She has already nearly destroyed her other children’s lives by raising them poorly (if at all), but now she is trying to corrupt this lovely little angel. She is outright manipulating and psychologically ruining her youngest child so she can get her way, even though she’s leaving for ALL of Christmas just to avoid having to see her ex-husband with his new wife.
I apologize for this long rant, but I needed to get this out. Otherwise, I know I would say or do something tomorrow that I would greatly regret and possibly put my fiance and his little sister in a worse position.
Oh yes, I say tomorrow, because I told my fiance we better go see his family tomorrow for his sister’s sake. He agreed.
I’m trying to hold it all together, but I am absolutely sickened by his mother’s nutjob actions. Something needs to change, and I am certainly tired of catching the blame for her own son’s wants and needs.
It’s as if she truly doesn’t believe he is his own person. As if I orchestrate everything he does like some kind of god.
Well, my venting is done for now. Thank God for this blog.