I recently read a blog about writing your own obituary, prompting readers to comment with what they think their obituary would say.
I’ve always kind of wanted to write my own obituary in the sense that it would be me speaking to those reading. I suppose it would along the lines of this:
“I must say, that after all those years of depression, bipolar, aggression, and suicidal tendencies, who knew that I’d actually just die a natural death? In my worst moments I often begged for death, but when I slipped on the pavement I panicked for my life. I will hardly understand the phenomenon that occurs in depression/suicide patients like myself. We welcome death, we have no qualms with it, yet for many of us we cling to life in those possibilities it might be taken away unexpectedly. I cannot say whether I clinged in the end, or finally let go, knowing this was my end and I was content with all God had made for me. I suppose it’s the real test, you know? The test that points out if you’re really serious about leaving. Or maybe, just in those moments we simply can’t stand the thought that it wasn’t our control, it wasn’t our choice. Or maybe, like I felt often, it was like watching a good movie or show, or reading a book. Even though there were tragedies, we still wanted to play the next episode or turn the page. That was how I always saw my life. As often as I wanted to leave, I wanted to know what would happen next. My reasoning was simple; if we opt out now, we won’t ever know what would happen next. If we stay and something kills us, then what is there to complain about? Hmm. I always made decisions based on the “off-chance” of something happening. I always went the extra mile on the off-chance. I always kept trying to live based on the off-chance. As the Nanny once said, “You neva know.”
“So if you want to kill yourself, what’s the point really? Stick around, and maybe somehow your wildest dreams will come true. And if they don’t, and you die anyway, what’s the problem? Seems like a win-win either way you look at it, based on your logic. I guess that’s why I never went all the way through with it; something held me back. When contemplating suicide, contemplate living, too, because what do you have to lose when your life is already at stake?”
That’s what I’d like to say.
(entirely unedited, FYI)