This is in no way well written, nor does it show any real sign of intellectual prowess nor in-depth composition skills. But it does give a little insight into a common off-day of the bipolar.
Observe! This is a facebook post of mine:
“It’s been a very long day, as though I had spent three days in one. In a way, I did have three different days in one. My bipolar and bottled-up-stressed reactions plummeted me from strong and on top, to let down countless times and deeply saddened, to “I’M DONE WITH EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE AND I AM SO SICK OF EVERYTHING RAAHHHH,” to “whatever, I don’t care,” to” I’m a’ight,” to moved, inspired, and content.
Now I’m just exhausted. Time for sleep somethin’ awful. I guess it’s good, though, that I ended on a sweet and positive note.”
I know this seems so cliche, generic, and generally a stereotypical description of the most basic bipolar. However, I cannot express how for many of us this is what it is. It is manic, it is bouncing, it is reacting to things in ways that should have been handled better… That could have been handled better. The “common off-days” that I mentioned in the post are perfectly imperfect and brain-spattering to any bipolar. The off-days being something outside the usual routine or schedule, or something happening that already fills the person with dread but at the same time a sense of “we can do this!” All of it gets completely deflated, obliterated, rearranged, and in the end either worse for wear or eventually content, calm, and back in one piece (essentially better for it).
The ever-progressing and self-bettering bipolar will nearly always, no ALWAYS, bring him/herself to that latter state of mind. We often just need to get through those levels of hell.
What has helped me the most with my unpredictable bipolar reactions is to expect them and accept them. I will never be “cured” of bipolar. My brain is genetically screwed in that way. I will always, to even the slightest degree constantly or to the harshest degree every so often, react based upon chemicals and hormones firing off when they should, when they shouldn’t, and either be overflowing or be dried up (sort of). Of course, we are all like this, but bipolar is an extreme series of this. Again, sort of.
Point is, to help better understand the bipolar, think of your break-down days. Think of the gamut of feelings, emotions, and reactions you had, the weird and rash actions you took, and the ever-changing meaningful words you said. Think about how in the beginning of these break-downs you kept trying to keep yourself from going too far. You kept trying to hold it in still, to fasten yourself down, to bottle up the impending explosion.
But that’s it. It is impending. It is going to happen. And as you are experiencing the beginning “insanity,” you do let go at some point. You let yourself fully expend your swirls of self-dispute. And then, what feels like a week but was truly much less time, you stop. You find something that inspires you, or motivates you. You find camaraderie, the timing is always just right. Someone steps up to stand by you. Or maybe you just feel better. Maybe you just needed a good, hate-rage, scream-fest, cry-baby buster ball.
Now, imagine a bipolar experiencing that a couple times per week. Maybe more, maybe less, depending on the type of bipolar, its level, the person him/herself, and of course the environment.
Now think about how simply letting yourself NOT control yourself for five seconds and just let it all out appropriately. I’ve gotten to that point. I’m not too stupid, I know when it’s going to happen. I know when it’s creeping up, and I immediately bring out the chains in hopes I can squelch the brain-power enough to avoid any freak-outs or rage-quits. But ultimately, I know I can nor will not win. I need to accept that it is coming, and I need to accommodate sometimes to that fact. Now that I’ve been doing that, I’m experiencing less stress, less anxiety-attacks, and yes, less bouts of random and meaningless bipolar manics.
All in all, I am exhausted, I would encourage you to read this because it means a lot to me that you would educate yourself on some firsthand bipolar experience. After all, you never know when you need to apply this stuff to your bipolar friends, or even to yourselves.
Be safe everyone, and I’m off to sleep. Ugh.